Monday, October 12, 2009

Emotions

I wish I could trust my emotions.

I don't want to depend on my intellect to filter my experiences, to tell me what feelings are valid. When I feel something, I want to know it's real. If I feel awful and depressed and sad then, by God, I want to know that I'll look back on this day and remember it for what it really was. Remember the frustration, the anger, remember why.

I want to always know why it was that I felt so much love for you. Why this day just felt so goddamned right. How beautiful, how gorgeous, how empty that mountainside was, tumbling away beneath me under the pitch-black night. How utterly alone and scared I felt that one time, lying in bed, worrying about my life.

It was real, then. It was real.

These are my experiences. This is my life.

I want it to be real. I want it to last.