Monday, October 12, 2009


I wish I could trust my emotions.

I don't want to depend on my intellect to filter my experiences, to tell me what feelings are valid. When I feel something, I want to know it's real. If I feel awful and depressed and sad then, by God, I want to know that I'll look back on this day and remember it for what it really was. Remember the frustration, the anger, remember why.

I want to always know why it was that I felt so much love for you. Why this day just felt so goddamned right. How beautiful, how gorgeous, how empty that mountainside was, tumbling away beneath me under the pitch-black night. How utterly alone and scared I felt that one time, lying in bed, worrying about my life.

It was real, then. It was real.

These are my experiences. This is my life.

I want it to be real. I want it to last.


  1. fuck.

    yeah. what you said exactly.

  2. I guess my solution is to choose to trust. Not that it always works...

  3. Interesting the range of responses this post has generated, here and on Facebook. Thanks for the thoughts!

    I guess for me it's not so much that I don't /trust/ the emotions or experiences I've had. It's just that the reality of them is frequently gone when I look back on them. I miss them.

  4. This was like reading the back of my own brain pan. I think the fear that you can't trust your emotional self to recognize authentic experience as it happens is suffered by all intelligent, introspective people. I have moments where I feel such intense joy I feel like I could burst; everything is so perfect, it brings tears to my eyes. There is no way to record those brief swells, and even if I could, they've already passed into imperfect memory.