Monday, October 12, 2009

Emotions

I wish I could trust my emotions.

I don't want to depend on my intellect to filter my experiences, to tell me what feelings are valid. When I feel something, I want to know it's real. If I feel awful and depressed and sad then, by God, I want to know that I'll look back on this day and remember it for what it really was. Remember the frustration, the anger, remember why.

I want to always know why it was that I felt so much love for you. Why this day just felt so goddamned right. How beautiful, how gorgeous, how empty that mountainside was, tumbling away beneath me under the pitch-black night. How utterly alone and scared I felt that one time, lying in bed, worrying about my life.

It was real, then. It was real.

These are my experiences. This is my life.

I want it to be real. I want it to last.

4 comments:

  1. fuck.

    yeah. what you said exactly.

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  2. I guess my solution is to choose to trust. Not that it always works...

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  3. Interesting the range of responses this post has generated, here and on Facebook. Thanks for the thoughts!

    I guess for me it's not so much that I don't /trust/ the emotions or experiences I've had. It's just that the reality of them is frequently gone when I look back on them. I miss them.

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  4. This was like reading the back of my own brain pan. I think the fear that you can't trust your emotional self to recognize authentic experience as it happens is suffered by all intelligent, introspective people. I have moments where I feel such intense joy I feel like I could burst; everything is so perfect, it brings tears to my eyes. There is no way to record those brief swells, and even if I could, they've already passed into imperfect memory.

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